i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize