I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
