I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
