When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
