i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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