When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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