Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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