she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
your room smells of hookers.
And success
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
