So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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