I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
She is in my trunk
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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