They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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