Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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