it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
