Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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