maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can't turn off my feet"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
