The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
