My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
