I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize