My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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