Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
