We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
