Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
