the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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