She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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