I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
