i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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