and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize