Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize