do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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