I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
