I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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