Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
