I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize