Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
