i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
