can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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