I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
