look no pants
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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