I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize