found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
