"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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