Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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