If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
