glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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