There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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