hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
