He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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