I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
