i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
His nipple licking is glorious
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