if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
