Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
