we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
