For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
