I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize