there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
